Sunday, December 6, 2015

Day 31 - OCD and the Buddy-System, Does it Work (Continued)


Continuing from my last blog, where I tried the ‘buddy system’ to prevent myself from falling into what I call an ‘OCD possession’. Read the blog HERE for context.

 
For me, on this occasion, the buddy-system worked. Instead of falling into the OCD action of picking my skin before going to meet a group of people, I reached out to my friend who is a life coach, and together we found the source of why I felt the compulsion in that moment. Once I was able to find the source (read the first blog to see what it was), and I did some forgiveness on having created the source for myself, I was able to walk out of my house without having to go through the ‘usual routine’. This is quite a drastic contrast compared to what I am used to in these situations, and I want to talk a bit about that.

The ‘usual routine’ would be to work myself up into a state where I feel the only solution, relief, or way out is to fall into the compulsion aspect of OCD. This would be the actual ‘acting out’ of the disorder. The way my OCD expresses itself in these situations is skin-picking. So instead of going through the very normal process of getting dressed, making sure I look presentable, and then walking out the front door, I would instead be unconsciously having repetitive thoughts, and feeling unable to think clearly, focus or direct myself. This causes an internal environment that is chaotic, tense and uncomfortable, filled with fear, anxiety and stress. This internal environment is one which I have simply never developed the skills to cope with. In my life, OCD has developed ‘naturally’ since childhood as a coping mechanism, due to genetics, past experiences, and actions performed in unawareness on my part.

What happens is I will go up to the mirror and obsessively examine my skin. This takes my mind off of the intensity of the internal environment. In this mental state, any small imperfection seems to me to be a huge flaw that I think everyone will look at, and is the mistakenly perceived source of my unboreable internal discomfort. Within this, I feel that instead of seeing me, everyone would see only flaws and blemishes. So, in a seemingly uncontrollable mental-state, I would go about removing all the perceived marks and spots.

The consequence of all this, which is the play-out that I experience on a daily basis, is that due to all the time it takes to go into OCD (which, once in the possession, can be a very long time, and  beyond my control to stop), plus the time it takes to carefully apply makeup to try to be presentable, leaves no time to actually get ready and do all the normal things one would do to prepare to leave the house.

To be continued in the next blog. For now, check out this free course DIP Lite to help you see inside your own mind. Or visit Maya Harel, the Life coach that has been supporting me, and do a free coaching session and life purpose test.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Day 30 - OCD: The Buddy System, Does it Work?


          I recently spoke to a life-coach friend of mine regarding ways to tackle stopping OCD. She asked me to describe the experience of what I call an ‘OCD possession’ in detail. As I described it, we together realized that there is always a trigger, or a source to why the compulsion seems to ‘take over’ me entirely. We arranged it so that I would reach out to her, either by Viber or phone call, when I feel an OCD possession coming on. So I tried it, and I must admit, it was very difficult to do at first.

          The first point I faced were the excuses my mind would throw at me in the moments before I would call her. I would feel the OCD possession coming on, and I would think about calling her, and my mind would come up with so many reasons why I should not call. The excuses looked like this: ‘she is too busy to receive a call from me’, or ‘this is silly, I can do this without her’ (I couldn’t), and so on.
 

          I forced myself to reach out to her on Viber. I told her I was having urges to pick my skin. We looked behind the urges, and it turned out that I was anxious about going to meet with a group of people. I was anticipating all the judgments they would think about me because of my skin. My friend suggested this is a form of projected self-judgment, wherein I was taking my own self-judgement and projecting it in to the future, and ‘attaching’ it to my ideas of others and how I was guessing others would look at me (the same way I look at myself: in extreme judgment for what I do to myself).

          It turns out that I judge myself more harshly than anybody, and I create in my mind this harsh world ‘out there’ that is painful to live and function in. But the reality is that I have created this within myself, and projected it on to the world. Yes, it’s true that, from time to time, I have received harsh judgment from others. But when I actually experience that judgment, it is not usually as bad as it is in my mind. Judgment from others does happen, and I will look at this in another blog. But for now, I have realized that the greatest, harshest, judgment I endure actually comes from within me, and this is great news!

          Why is this great news? Because of the power of self-forgiveness. Returning back now to the scenario where my life-coach friend and I found the source of my anxiety as I was feeling the compulsion to pick my skin before going out to meet a group of friends – the moment she suggested I was projecting my self-judgment on to my friends, I began to forgive myself (I will post the self-forgiveness below). As I forgave myself, the pressure and anxiety went away, and I could move myself.

          In the next blog, I will describe the second resistance I faced, how I walked through it, and the outcome of the scenario that was VERY different than how things usually play out!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing a group of people with imperfect skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement I may receive from people regarding the blemishes on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the secret thoughts that others may have about me because it is apparent that I pick my skin.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others may be having lead me to fall into an ocd possession an actually end up picking my skin/picking my skin more, thus manifesting that which I am actually fearing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others are having, affect Who and How I am within myself, and how I experience myself, instead of ME deciding who and How I am, and directing how I experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self-judgment about Who and How I am within OCD onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for picking my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having fallen into an OCD possession, leaving marks on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak/flawed/imperfect/out of control when I pick my skin so much that it leaves blemishes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mind being exposed to the world when I have marks which show the true nature of my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to live and move myself within forgiveness, instead of constantly being harsh and judgmental towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself most of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to punish myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to be punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself and be harsh and judgmental with myself instead of changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living fully.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reaching out to my buddy when I feel an ocd possession coming on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel undeserving of assistance and support for OCD because I feel like it's my problem that I created, it is my burden and no one else should have to deal with it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for why I shouldn't reach out for assistance and support when and as I can see that I am going into an OCD possession, instead of embracing any and all support I can get to walk myself through stopping this disorder.

To be continued in the next blog, but for now:
If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching discernment when it comes to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct ourselves to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Day 29- OCD: Breaking Out of Isolation - Creating Something New


Here I am concluding the self-forgiveness on the point of living within and as isolation due to a fear of speaking up and reaching out to connect to others. Please read the first three parts of this process for context: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never develop a supportive relationship with myself,  showing myself my own worth through my actions and comportment towards myself, but instead I have neglected myself, abandoned myself for the energy of the mind, and only judged myself, being hard on myself and beating myself up.

When and as I see that I am going into an energy of self-sabotage (I’m not god enough/I can’t do this/I don’t have the energy/it’s not worth it/I’ll fail anyways) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by stopping my actions and thoughts in that moment, and instead doing something nice and supportive to/towards myself. I remind myself that, so long as I am alive, it is not too late to be good to myself, to support myself, and to show myself that I am Here for me.

I commit myself to diminish self-sabotage, and increase self-support in my life until  all that is left is the self-support as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to honour and cherish myself.

The above, and in the past three blogs, are all words on a screen, however, these words exist within me. Because I went inside and found what it is I want to live and express from now on, I described the experience in words, I brought the words forth and put them on to a screen, and I read them again. I read these words TO myself AS myself, thus I have spoken and listened. I have HEARD these words, and the process of writing out the point has had an effect on me. I have had an effect on me. I have influenced me. I have challenged myself to see, do and be differently. I have taken an active role in creating myself as Who and How I want to be.

The effect of the practical application of these words has been laying the foundations of self-worth, self-care, and self-support, as well as a more dynamic self-experience. Because I value myself, I have shared myself, I have put myself ‘out there’, and I am receiving different feedback, reactions and perspectives from others; things I would not have otherwise considered. Because I see myself as worthy, I am connecting to others, I’m expanding and growing, I’m learning, I’m finding solutions and pushing for them. Because I am supporting myself, I am allowing myself a voice and having an effect on my reality. This, to me, is pushing towards really living; and to answer the questions I asked at the beginning:

"Is being held back by fears worth not fully living? Am I prepared to look back on it all, and among all the ups and downs and experiences, feel an underlying theme of regret? Am I not brave enough to live as an equal to others and all that is Here? Will I accept and allow my own self-judgment lead me to live a life of unworthiness?"

The  answer is an abounding YES! It is ALL worth it, because I am worth it.

If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching one discernment when it come to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct it to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom. - See more at: http://dermotillomaniatolife.blo

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Day 28 -OCD: Breaking Out of Isolation - Creating Something New (part three)


Continuing here with revealing what it is that holds me back from opening up and reaching out to others. For too long I have limited myself to the isolation and solitude of OCD, but here I use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to change this pattern. From here, I leave the isolation and greet a new world whose arms are open to me so long as my arms are open as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place differing amounts of worth on others, depending on how much energy or benefit I think I can gain from the interaction.

When and as I see that I am placing others into an energetically-based value system, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by embracing others as me, with an equal value to myself and everyone else.

I commit myself to stop any judgment of others, because the only judgment is self-judgment, and to embrace others unconditionally as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a ‘people pleasing’ character, or to use manipulation tactics, such as physical movements, voice tonality, or words, in order to try to get people to ‘like’ me, and want to be around or spend time with me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this would surround me with relationships of dependence (instead of relationships of support), where those I connect to would come to me for energy, and I would seek energy from them, because I’ve framed relationships as a give-and-take, because of the belief that they would otherwise not want to be or spend time with me, or I would otherwise not want to spend time with them.

When and as I see myself trying to give or get an energetic experience out of a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honest communication by taking a breath and clearing myself, clearing my starting point from a desire for energy to a practice in self-honest communication.

I commit myself to correct myself until self-honest communication is achieved.

I commit myself to stop myself from communicating in an exchange-based system of values.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I have no worth, and nothing to give in an interaction, except energy.

When and as I see that I am going into an experience of ‘worthlessness’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I am walking this entire process for me,  I am dedicating myself to me, and I am committing myself to me, because I am the most worthwhile thing that I have.

I commit myself to walk this process for me.

I commit myself to dedicate myself to me.

I commit myself to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own thoughts of worthlessness and unworthiness to limit my participation with others, and thus limit my expression and who I am to only that of giving and receiving energy (positive or negative feelings/motional charges).

When and as I see that I am limiting my participation with others due to feelings of worthlessness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by pushing myself to interact with others, and show myself through physical actions what my expression is and who I am.

I commit myself to show myself who and what I can be and am through physical actions instead of the foundationless judgments of the mind.

I commit myself to push through worthlessness to see, realize and understand my innate worth that is the same in everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that if I don’t use energy to manipulate others, that they will not want to be with me or spend time with me, instead of seeing and being my innate worth as a living, breathing being Here.

When and as I see myself trying to control how another thinks or feels about me, I stop, and I breathe.  I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I am not responsible for how others feel or think about me. If I took on that responsibility it would only be to validate some idea I have about myself, when I could be using the opportunity to create Who I Am , utilizing the interaction to find points that require direction, instead of wasting the opportunity by trying to control it.

I commit myself to wean myself off of the addiction to emotional and feeling energy.

I commit myself to learn and push and fight for the power of self-creation.


More self-forgiveness to come!
For now, check out:
If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching discernment when it comes to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct ourselves to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.
 
 
 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Day 27 - Breaking Out of Isolation (pt 2)




 
In this blog, I am forgiving myself to set myself free. I am forgiving myself for all the judgements, hidden fears and secret thoughts that have caused my to be a shy, introverted person, incapable of reaching out to others for support.


 Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to approach others, to express myself in front of others, and to be myself when with others in a social setting.

When and as I am in a social setting, and I see that I am recoiling within myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the simplicity of the physical, and allow myself to just be, talk, and move, without the complications of the mind of thought, beliefs, judgments and self-limiting fears, within the realization that I can pass from moment to moment and let it all go in one moment, and there is nothing that can cling to me and bring me down except by my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to push myself to daringly live in the moment, from moment to moment,

I commit myself to prove to myself that there is nothing to fear from others, and that what I fear only exists within me, and is mine to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to approach others because I worry they will be bothered by me coming up to them, and drawing attention to myself.

When and as I am approaching another, and I get the sensation that they do not want to see me, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to common sense by trying it first, before making the judgment. By ‘trying it first’ I mean: if I approach another and there is no sign that they don’t like my presence, then I can see that it is only in my mind. If, on the other hand, I see plainly that I am interrupting or coming at a bad time, that this is simply a practical point, NOT a personal point, and I use my best judgement to approach at a better time. If/when I approach someone, and they react in impatience and annoyance, I remind myself that this is a point that they  are dealing with, and has nothing to do with me and I should  not take it personally.

I commit myself to judge in the moment, based on actual events, as to whether or not I should approach another.

I commit myself to breathe through the reaction of taking it personally if someone seems frustrated or annoyed, because I see that when I am annoyed or impatient with others, it is always because of something within myself, no matter how much I blame and project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not worth someone spending their time on me or with me, and that there has to be some kind of ‘exchange or payment’ wherein the interaction has to be ‘deserved’ instead of shared unconditionally.

When and as I am going into the energetic experience of inferiority within the belief that I am not worth spending time with and have nothing to give, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that I can direct my interactions to be a sharing that is mutually beneficial and mutually enjoyable, which can always be attained when sharing myself self-honestly.

I commit myself to slow down during interactions, and to direct myself to, as much as possible, create mutually beneficial sharing through self-honesty.
 
More self-forgiveness to come!
For now, check out:
If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching discernment when it comes to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct ourselves to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Day 26- OCD: Breaking Out of the Isolation


I have always been nervous and uncomfortable speaking up and reaching out to others. Going through school, jobs and life, I have often experienced myself as quiet, shy, and holding myself back from fully participating. Even on more intimate, personal levels, I find the fears and resistances towards reaching out are still existent within me. It is discouraging and saddening when one is too afraid to take the leap and initiate an interaction, because that’s when we start missing out on something that could have been; we are missing out on exploring who we are, and are throwing away our capacity as creators, never getting the chance to see what we had the potential to create as ourselves, or the journey we could have walked. In this,we are, in a way, accepting and allowing a diminished version of reality, compared to one that we so easily could have enjoyed.



As time passes and we grow farther from the cradle and closer to the grave, life starts taking on a new seriousness and intensity. This cold, hard reality can lead to asking oneself some pretty substantial questions; Is being held back by fears worth not fully living? Am I prepared to look back on it all, and among all the ups and downs and experiences, feel an underlying theme of regret? Am I not brave enough to live as an equal to others and all that is Here? Will I accept and allow my own self-judgment lead me to live a life of unworthiness?

When we limit ourselves with fears, we are missing out on so much everything life has to offer. If we need support, but are too scared to open up and ask, we are condemning ourselves to isolation and solitude. What is this veil of shyness/timidity/fear really hiding? What is the value and definition we’ve placed on ourselves that is making us feel too scared to reach out to others, or to participate freely in a social interaction?

In my next blog, I will explore this point for myself by using self-forgiveness; forgiving myself unconditionally for the hidden fears, values and self-definitions that I held about myself.

If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching discernment when it comes to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct ourselves to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Day 25: OCD/CSP - How to Get to Work Without Ruining Your Day


          I left off in my last blog by re-scripting my morning routine, effectively editing out any OCD behavior. I saw how it in fact not only completely sabotages my mornings, but also sabotages my relationship to myself. It does this by severely undermining my self-trust, as I have shown myself that with OCD, I can’t depend on myself because I can’t depend on whether or not my own actions will be congruent with my intentions. Also, the fact that I accept and allow myself to fall into compulsions in the morning causes me stress and anxiety, due to the fear of being late for work, which fuels and perpetuates the disorder throughout the day. This ‘starting the day out on a bad foot’ creates a nearly impossible foundation for me to walk throughout my day with the vigilance and discipline I require to combat OCD, which I require to do throughout the day and into the evening.

            With the physical release I have been practicing (described HERE), as well as the re-scripting, I have seen my anxiety levels decrease in normal and uneventful situations. This is why I am continuing on here, where I have done my morning routine, and I am now heading out the door and catching the bus to the metro. In future blogs I will do them same for stressful event sand circumstances that arise, but first I have to start with a platform of stability:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal little moments of time from myself, when I see that I’m not ‘late’ yet, and using these stolen moments to go into OCD knowing that I don’t yet have control over it and that I will almost inevitably take too much time, which accumulates into me ending up leaving my house only minutes before the bus arrives, causing me to have to run and worry that I won’t catch it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have nothing to do with spare time in the morning, because it’s not enough time to do anything constructive, wherein I become stressed by the idea of spare time, because in the morning, that means time alone with me, and time alone with me is difficult when I’m not preoccupied and distracted because in those moments I feel the intense urges of OCD coming forward and beginning to react in my body.

When and as I see that I have little spare moments of time, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that I do have better uses for that time, and that it is in fact precious time. I direct myself to walk through my morning tasks until they are done, unaffected by the possibility that I may end up with extra time, and if that time does, I direct myself to find a better use for it, such as spending more time saying goodbye to my partner or walking more slowly to the bust to be able to enjoy the day, for example.

I commit myself to push myself to stop wasting precious time on OCD, and to instead invest into myself, using that time to add value to myself and my life, instead of taking value away.

I commit myself to continue to breathe through the suppressions coming to the fore, instead of pushing them back down and distracting myself, so that I may walk through my tasks uninterrupted by OCD, even if it feels bad/uncomfortable, I know it will subside/go away eventually.

I commit myself to say longer goodbye’s to my partner, and to walk slowly to the bus when I have extra time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel triumphant when I catch the bus when I’m late, as if I had won a race or beat the odds, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I had already lost the moment I left the house, because I had missed moments I could have spent with myself, preparing myself to effectively handle myself throughout the day.

When and as I am running for the bus when I am late, I stop within myself, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that it is not in fact me that is moving myself and feeling triumphant, but rather the stress energy that I had accumulated during the morning as I create a situation where I am late. If I in fact have to run, I run as self-movement, with and as breath, with no extra ‘motivating factors’ coming from my mind, feeding the  OCD cycles.

I commit myself to remain continue to remind myself to remain stable within myself, no longer utilizing the self-created stress-inducing scenarios to feed and perpetuate OCD within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uneasy around the passengers on the bus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that all the passengers on the bus are looking at me and judging me in some way, causing me to become self-conscious which makes my skin crawl, causing me to feel dirty..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the passengers on the bus are looking at me the way I look at myself, when I look at myself through OCD/dermatillomania, close up and looking for imperfections, narrowing in on every flaw and going into judgment/repulsion due to my mind creating the ideas that my skin is dirty even when it is not.

When and as I see that I am sitting on the bus and I begin to feel my skin crawl, and I start feeling generally dirty due to the presence of others, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by using common sense to determine that I am completely the same as I was when I left my house, when I at the gym, and when I’m with my partner, and these are all moments/situations where I feel normal. I bring myself back to normalcy through breathing through the thoughts/sensations that I am unclean and remind myself that it is not real, but a self-created sensation in my mind, therefor I can change it and choose to feel differently.

I commit myself to stop myself from feeling dirty and unclean by constantly and continuously stopping, breathing, using common sense to remind myself that the feelings are not real. and releasing/letting go of the thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe the other passengers and to judge them, because this creates a fear of judgment in myself, as I wouldn’t want someone else to look at me and judge me the way  I know I am looking at and judging others.

When and as I see that I am judging others on the bus, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that the only judgment is self-judgment, which means I see something of myself in those that I am judging, and so long as I judge, I will be judged, because I am judging me instead of changing me. I bring forth self-acceptance by letting the judgments go, and ‘embracing’ those that I see around me, placing myself in their shoes,  and seeing within self-honesty, that which I am judging in myself.
To be continued....
 

 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Day 24 OCD/Dermatillomania: How to Prevent the Tension Build Up


            In my last blog I discussed a way in which I have learned to physically discharge the built up tension that leads me to submit to OCD compulsions namely, compulsive skin picking, but also other OCD tendencies. I described what this feeling was, what it feels like, and how to access it through being stable and relaxed, which brings it out of suppression and into the body where it can be experienced and breathed through. This has assisted me to noticeably lower my anxiety levels, and to do regular ‘self-checks’, which support me with remaining present and aware, instead of getting drawn into OCD possession-like states of mind.

            I mentioned in the blog that this was a very useful practice, and that it has made a difference in my life, but that the experience itself is so unpleasant as it takes place, that It cannot be a stand-alone solution. The experience is extremely uncomfortable and I find myself still trying to suppress it and avoid it when I am not completely ‘here’ at times when I am busy or distracted with daily tasks and responsibilities. I will continue to discharge the energy this way, but the fact that it is only a partial solution is why I will now work on not building up this experience for myself in the first place.

            I will be doing this by identifying what it is throughout the day that I react to in stress/anxiety/fear/irritation/agitation/anger. These reactions hit me in jolts and seem to remain within me instead of being processed out and diffused over time. For me, as an OCD/derma sufferer, it remains inside and builds up, causing me to feel tense, anxious and wound up most all of the time. What I will do is walk through my day, look at the triggers, and release them with self-forgiveness, self-commitments, and self-corrective application.

Morning:

I wake up, several thoughts get me out of bed:

“I need to go to work”

“I can’t be late for work”

“What do I need to do to be as fast as possible so I can get to work on time”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up thinking “I need to go to work”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect emotional stress, anxiousness, and a ‘rushed’ energy to the thoughts that I wake up with in the morning of “I need to get to work”, “I can’t be late for work”, and “what do I need to do to be as fast as possible to get to work on time”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I don’t rush, or go as fast as possible, that I will be late for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing stress, anxiety, and rushed-ness to exist within and as me.

When and as I see that I am going into stress, anxiety, and rushed-ness in relation to the fear of being late for work, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to comfort within myself by reminding myself that I set my alarm to give me an adequate amount of time to prepare, and that I make it to work on time every single morning, unless there is an unforeseen circumstance which prevents me, in which case I will call in and explain, which is as much as I can do.

I commit myself to push myself to walk through my morning routine within/as self-direction, comfort and ease, as I move from one task to the next with common sense,  instead of stress, anxiety and rushed-ness within the paranoia of being late/developing a bad reputation/being fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to terrorize myself with thoughts that if I am late for work, my boss and managers will be angry, my colleagues will judge me, and I will develop a bad and undependable reputation, and I will lose my job and fall into debt, and not get a good reference from which to get another good job.

When and as I see that I am imagining pretend consequences of scenarios where I am late for work, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to common sense by reminding myself that I am rarely late because I manage myself and my time in such a way to prepare myself to get to work on time, that this job is not the only way to support myself in this world, that I can live in such a way to avoid large debt, that I already have enough references for work and even if I didn’t, I could still get a job and make new references, and with the skills I am developing, namely discipline, perseverance and consistency, I know I ca be successful at most jobs I can get.

I commit myself to let go of my past self-definitions created by memories of a not too distant past where I  didn’t have the essential life skills I am now developing, I wasn’t able to hold down a job mostly due to my OCD, I was accumulating debt, and I was not in control of most elements in my life.

I commit myself to talk myself down from terrorizing myself with pretend doomsday scenarios that are blown out of proportion, and to instead have a self-honest look at the actual reality of the my life situation..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of myself as a bad and undependable person.

I commit myself to continue to work towards being and becoming more disciplined, consistent and organized at home, because I then bring these habits into everything that I do, and with these skills I will, over time, become someone I can depend on and therefor will be dependable for others.

I commit myself to continue learning how to incorporate living actions of self-acceptance and self-care into my daily life and routine.

I commit myself to stop feeding and following the self-depreciating and self-judgmental thoughts that ‘I am not good enough’, or ‘I can’t be depended on’, because I know this is self-sabotage, and that I am walking a process of self-acceptance and self-worth,  teaching myself how to be dependable for me, through self-application and pushing myself towards becoming consistent and self-directed.

When and as I catch myself thinking negatively about myself as ‘who I am as a person/employee’ in judgmental and self-depreciating ways, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that this way of thinking is disempowering and is an avoidance mechanism within which I can find the justification and excuse to not change, not push myself, not challenge my current way of being, and to continue with OCD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my self-trust, within and through picking my skin instead of directing myself to complete that tasks I set out for myself, tasks which I put in place to support myself to be organized and on time, such as preparing food/clothes the night before, taking a shower, and reading/writing myself out, and then going to bed on time.

When and as I see that I am picking my skin instead of accomplishing constructive, self-supportive tasks, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to self-love and self-support by pushing myself to breathe through the experience instead of continuing on picking, within the understanding that relief or ‘end point’/completion experience will not come through picking, but will be made real through actually applying the discipline to move through daily tasks/obligations/responsibilities, thus developing the self-trust required to be able to depend on myself that I will not create anxious, stressful scenarios for myself to live out and remain in the anxiety disorder mind.

I commit myself to continue to push myself to replace OCD/picking with constructive tasks that serve to support me to release myself from the disorder.

I commit myself to NOT judge myself when I fall, but to constantly and continuously pick myself up and try again, each and every time until it is manifest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I have more time in the morning, I will pick my skin.

When and as I see I have spare time in the morning, creating the desire to act out OCD impulses, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-support and self-stability through self-movement and self-direction, within the understanding of the choice that stands in front of me: to pick, or not to pick. I choose not to pick, and to walk through and bear he accumulated consequences of this choice until I have processed it all and it is done.

I commit myself to bear the burden I have created for myself until it is processed, figured out, understood, seen, re-directed and re-scripted.

I commit myself to walk through the self-created consequences of having lived with and depended on OCD for so many years, because I see, realize and understand that there is no other way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that if I don’t feel rushed, I will not move effectively and will pick my skin.

When and as I see that I am creating the feeling of ‘rushed’ as a way to avoid facing and walking through what I’m really feeling, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence, awareness and self-movement with breath, by reminding myself that I choose not to live a life of avoidance, and that I have it in me to face that which lies beneath the surface, no matter how unpleasant it is, because I have already proven it to myself that I can do it, it’s just a matter of continuing to do it over and over, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel physically anxious and stressed if I am not rushing and moving fast within the belief that I will not get to work on time, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anxious, stressful rushed energy is not valid, and it’s not what’s moving me. I am moving me, and the emotional experiences of anxiety, stress, and rushed-ness are only in my mind, and are all a part of the disorder.

When and as I see that I am feeling anxious and stressed  when I should be feeling calm and relaxed, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to feel the stress and anxiety without attaching any values to it, but to accept it and understand it, to breathe through it, to speak at least one self-forgiveness statement, and to push myself to move myself regardless.

I commit myself to learn how to effectively walk through the OCD mind reactions, buy trial and error, writing myself out, and practical application of what I script for myself through self-introspection and understanding.
 
Link to the course I am taking to assist and support myself through this: DIP Lite

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Monday, August 17, 2015

Day 23: OCD/Dermatillomania - How to Discharge the Built Up Tension


I recently made a video regardingthis process I am walking with OCD and dermatillomania. In it I talked about how it feels to stop this disorder, because I have had now many periods of time where I not only stopped acting out the compulsions, but also stopped for moments, the internal experience of the disorder. It’s interesting, because in the past when I have thought of OCD and dermatillomania, I have mostly thought about the part of it that I could see, which is the actions and behaviours, like picking my skin for example, which is the most obvious and apparent symptom in my case. What I have come to realize over time is that, these could actually be only the symptoms (and thus, the tip of the iceberg), of what is really going on inside of self.

As I took measures to stop picking my skin, what I noticed (and continue to notice) is that there is a very prevalent and over-powering internal experience that exists and takes place within self. This experience is often suppressed and avoided and is thus given the opportunity to grow, build and accumulate within self, wherein one actually loses control and is in fact overpowered by the need/desire to act out the compulsions.

I have developed and thought up many tricks and tips and coping mechanisms to deal with , avoid and navigate through obsessive compulsions (the actions/acting out), but have only recently had the courage, strength and self-will to face what was going on inside of me. What I have found is that I generally exist within varying degrees of anxiety. If I wake up in the morning anxiety-free, I can see the triggers happen and I can notice the anxiety kick in and start building.

I can notice and observe all of this because of the self-awareness and internal slowing down I have developed through walking the Desteni Process. I can notice and observe myself feeling ‘normal’, light, and ‘in control’ when I wake up. But after the first couple of triggers, I feel a sort of ‘dirtiness’, along with an anxious kind of ‘rushed’ feeling as I am getting ready for work or for my day. As the day progresses, like clockwork and this seemingly never-ending pattern that I have created over time, I will be triggered over and over. But instead of smoothly processing little moments of worry, impatience, stress, fear etc… these moments remain inside of me and build up in pockets, as if I were full of bubbles or internal pimples that I am afraid to touch, go near, or burst for fear of what putrid contents may be inside.

However, recently I have built myself up enough to be able to do just that. I go near the pockets, and I release them – without acting out a compulsion (which I have seen, does not release them in the same way as facing them AT ALL, but I will explain this later). What I do is look at my internal state, I see the anxiety, tightness, and all of the negative stuff that is going on. But instead of feeding all of this through going into the OCD mind of thinking, imagining, worrying and needlessly attaching the negative emotions to the thoughts thus blowing everything out of proportion – I instead stay present, remain physical and practice and use common sense.

So once I look at myself and look at whatever situation I am in and determine that there is no immediate threat, I then will go to bring myself into a state of relaxation. I do this through focusing on my breath, through consciously letting go of what I had been holding onto, and I breathe and let go, breathe and let go – because it doesn’t make sense, I don’t have to be anxious. I speak common sense and I stay practical (what am I in the middle of doing, what are my next steps etc….).

Unfortunately, this does absolutely NOT bring peace at all, which I surprisingly found out through persistently trying to experience myself as relaxed. What happens is that the bubbles now have to burst, because they have nothing holding them in place and holding them together – there is nothing suppressing them – and they ‘burst’, which is really what it feels like.

What do the contents feel like? I have a hard time describing what explodes inside of me and washes over my body in these moments. Physically, I am taken aback. My muscles react in some minor spasms in the abs and groin area. I have started to even brace myself when I know I am going to be doing this, but that makes the physical reaction worse somehow in that it seems to linger longer when I am tense. I have to be physically relaxed and accept it all, embrace it almost, but it is very difficult. It comes in waves, it lasts a long time, and in the end, there always feels like there’s some left and it’s not completely gone.

If I could define the experience in words, it would be ‘horrible’, ‘incredibly uncomfortable’, ‘upsetting’, ‘scary’, and the energy itself would be a mix of anxiety, anger and irritability. So, what I have seen here is that I am able to ‘discharge’ the build-up that is a large component of the disorder, which is really amazing, and will assist and support with stopping the behaviours as well. Unfortunately, this is not a complete solution, because as I’ve said, the buildup starts in the morning, and continues throughout the day, therefore, that ‘discharges’ have to happen all day long. They are extremely unpleasant, and they are more difficult to do while focusing at work, although with practice I have improved.

I will discuss and start walking my plan to prevent the build-ups I the first place, starting with my next blog.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Day 22 - OCD is a CHOICE?! Living the Decision to Stop




               What I have observed that I require self-support with is how to walk through temptation at ‘decision-making time’. Let me elaborate: I have noticed that I can now see the moments when the thoughts pop up that I should pick my skin, and in those moments, I can make a choice. This is incredibly empowering and encouraging, as this has been exactly what I have been working towards developing for a long time through this process. Before, my OCD was so automatic that it would seem like one moment I’m fine, and the next I’m already involved in the compulsion which, when I snap out of it, I can’t really remember when I started or how it progressed.
            I’m not sure if I have significantly slowed down within myself due to having walked this process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, or if the moment the thought pops up is more intense and exaggerated, and therefore more noticeable. I’m certain that I have created more awareness and insight into myself within and through this process, however at the same time, I’ve noticed I have become very busy with a full-time job and all of life’s responsibilities, that I simply don’t have time for OCD, causing it to be more noticeable and problematic. Regardless, I doubt if it’s either one or the other, and see it as more a combination of the two, wherein, my life circumstance has created an opportunity for me where I can now apply the tools and skills I have taught myself through the Desteni process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t have the choice to participate in OCD or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the onl way I can get through is to submit to OCD.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I can only let go and release the tension and anxiety within me if I pick my skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it won’t go away if I don’t subject myself to perform the obsessive compulsions that seem to ‘pop up’ in my mind every time I feel fear/anger/stress/anxiety or frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking the self-responsibility to direct my fear, anger, anxiety, stress or frustration, and instead to avoid it and suppress it through participating in OCD and skin-picking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore that fact that I have proven to myself that I am in fact able to diffuse the energy build up through breathing, stabilizing myself, and moving myself in a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  not realize that, in these moments of decision, if I give the disorder an inch, it will take a mile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fact that in these moments of decision, it’s ALL or NOTHING, and the apparent ‘threat’ of losing my precious disorder, is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own empowerment in absolute fear and petrification, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am looking forward to is freedom from something that has been enslaving me for most of my life, and that it is not scary and I will not be lost and it wont be horrible, because I can and will just be myself, and be able to discover myself and who I am beneath the disorder that has been covering me up and keeping me in for so long.
To be continued….
If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching one discernment when it come to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct it to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.