Day 34- At Home Within Myself - Living the Word 'Home'
8:55 AM
I’ve moved
around a lot in my life, and every time I would arrive at a new location I
would have projections about what it would feel like to live there, and I would
hold an optimistic outlook on how my life would be and how I would make this
new place my home. I would settle in over time, but as time passed I would
never quite be able to create this feeling I was looking for, the feeling of
being ‘at home’.
The
repeating cycle that would occur is that the new apartment would become
messy and disorganized and financial and other stresses would inevitably arise
and plant their roots in my mind and thus be reflected back to me by my
environment. Soon most things in the house would cause a negative reaction in
me, such as anxiety for example, as I would see things I was neglecting or
unfinished projects I would judge myself for having abondoned. Slowly, over time I would lose my authority
in the situation, as I would lose authority over myself and my actions, and this
unfortunately leads to a lack of order and direction, which created an
environment that is not conducive to healing, growing or expanding. This
environment is actually more conducive to perpetuating dermatillomania, wherein
I become the product of the environment I have created, instead of the
environment becoming the product of me, as I create myself into someone that is
striving to meet their utmost potential, which includes overcoming
dermatillomania.
These
aforementioned negative effects could be associated with having OCD, although I
am certain people without OCD have experienced this as well. For me, with
dermatillomania, the home becomes ‘unsafe’, in a way. In the above scenario,
things I see in the home create an underlying overwhelming-ness within me, and
become triggers and soon bathrooms and mirrors become unsafe places for me to
go because of the effects of having a BRFD (body-focused repetitive disorder).
It is not an environment of comfort and support, rather, through my abdicating
myself to this behaviour, I set myself up for failure and self-abuse.
http://www.havingtime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/messy-house.jpg
And so in this blog I’ve taken up looking at this word ‘home’, and I have decided (i.e. not the disorder) that it is time for me to decide how I am going to re-define the word ‘home’. This way, I can apply that definition into my daily living, thus creating a living word for myself, wherein slowly over time, one word at a time, I will create a ‘living vocabulary’ and thus, a new life for myself on My Terms – not the terms of the disorder.
http://www.havingtime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/messy-house.jpg
And so in this blog I’ve taken up looking at this word ‘home’, and I have decided (i.e. not the disorder) that it is time for me to decide how I am going to re-define the word ‘home’. This way, I can apply that definition into my daily living, thus creating a living word for myself, wherein slowly over time, one word at a time, I will create a ‘living vocabulary’ and thus, a new life for myself on My Terms – not the terms of the disorder.
The word home, a defined in the dictionary, means:
1. the
place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or
household:
Informal
- a place where an object is kept.
Souding out the words (what
hidden words or phrases can I see within the word?)
HOnor ME - (home is a place where I honour myself, and
my internal/external environment should reflect that)
HOne in on ME - (Home is a place that I know in the utmost
detail, and when attention is needed somewhere, I hone in on it. If something
requires attention and is not getting done, I first hone in on me – my mind –
to check why am I not moving myself to tend to the task)
HarmOny in ME ( Home is a
place where I create as little friction as possible, where events and play-outs
are directed by me in a way that creates them to be beneficial to me,
supporting and nurturing my growth and development).
HOusing ME ( Home is the
physical location that is housing me, whether it is in my body or my house, and
it therefore requires to be physically maintained: kept clean, tidy, organized,
well presented, and practical for me).
I like how in the ‘sounding
out’ of the word I see a focus on ‘me’, before only considering the physical
location, because this way home can be wherever I am. The dictionary definition
states that a home is the place where one lives ‘permanently’. This can be complicated for someone in my situation
who has forso long been living temporarily in different locations. If I were to
limit myself and my experience to the dictionary’s definition, then I may react
by feeling things like lost, homeless and self-pitying, because, according to
the dictionary definition, I don’t have a’ home’! This can potentially be
disempowering, because it’s important to have a place and a space within which
to grow and be grounded, and without one I feel ungrounded and like I have no
place, This is the kind of potential consequence of not fully investigating the
words we are living and defining ourselves according to.
I would like to instead Empower myself by
creating my own definition for the word home. This new definition is not just a
physical location; it is a living and a doing, internal and external. ‘Home’ is
actually who and how I am within myself, and the physical location is simply an
extension of myself, so that by extension, it also becomes my ‘home’.
Home:
Orderly – I have a place for things and I address
and tend to all components as necessary.
Safe – it is a safe place/space because as I
establish the environment I want to create, such as developing self-acceptance
(no judgment) and self-discipline (stopping OCD patterns, keeping everything in
order etc), my mistakes, falls and slip-ups are immediately forgiven, and the
slate is clean for me to learn from the experience and try again. In my home
environment, internal and external, I forgive myself, I learn, I expand.
Directed -
Home is where I prioritize what needs to get done, and I move myself through
the tasks. This is Self-direction, where I am the one that assesses my home’s
needs – my body as food, water, exercise, relaxation etc… my house as
groceries, cleaning, decorating etc… in my home, I push myself to get
everything that needs to get done, done.
In my next blog I will post the self-forgiveness in relation to redefining 'Home'.
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